Purgatory
by endocranium
Summary: A short segment of New Moon from Edward's point of view - from the news of Bella's "death" until she finds him in Volterra.


Disclaimer: All quotes from New Moon and from "New Moon Extras" belong to Stephenie Meyer.

_If it was her, I would hang up. If it was Charlie, I'd get the information I needed through subterfuge. I'd prove Rosalie's sick little joke wrong, and then go back to my nothingness._

_"Swan residence." Answered a voice I'd never heard before. __A man's husky voice; deep, but still youthful._

_I didn't pause to think about the implications of that._

_"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I said, perfectly imitating my father's voice. "May I please speak to Charlie?"_

_"He's not here," the voice responded, and I was dimly surprised by the anger in it. The words were almost a snarl. But that didn't matter._

_"Well, where is he then?" I demanded, getting impatient._

_There was a short pause, as if the stranger wanted to withhold the information from me._

_"He's at the funeral," The boy finally answered._

_I shut the phone again._

_ From "New Moon Extras: Rosalie" by Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

The funeral. Funeral. The word swam through my head slowly, barely registering. Charlie is at the funeral. Those few brief moments hung suspended, until – 

The truth fell upon me instantaneously, in a crippling wave that robbed me of the ability to stand, and the sound of my knees hitting the dusty floor of the attic room was enough to break my trance. I dropped the phone like it was on fire, and raised my hands to my head, balled into fists, clinging to my hair like a lifeline.

In all the months I'd spent away from Forks, the agonizing hours spent in seclusion trying to convince myself not to return, I'd never imagined this. The one thing that had convinced me not to run back to that small town and beg forgiveness was the knowledge that _she_ lived – she existed. I could scrape by then, knowing that she still talked in her sleep, still blushed when she was embarrassed, even still laughed at her own innate clumsiness. I could cling to those precious memories and find the strength to stay away, just so that she could continue to live her life as it was meant to be lived.

Although I did not _need_ to breathe, I felt gasps coming from my chest and realized, slightly detached, that if I had been human, and had water inside my body, I would have been crying. Dry sobs burst from my mouth unevenly, and I felt emotion welling up inside of me, filling every empty space that I had so carefully carved out, and crashing over my mind like a tidal wave.

No. No, I could not do this. I could not _allow _this. I had no right to grieve, no claim on the despair that Bella's death would bring. I had taken any ties between us, that day in the woods, and ripped them cleanly apart.

Apparently not cleanly enough.

As if it was not horrific enough that she was dead, the realization came that it was my fault.

_"Bella… threw herself of a cliff two days ago."_

Not an accident. She hadn't been sick, hadn't fallen prey to the clumsiness I had always found endearing. She had jumped.

Months of telling myself that our separation was for her own good – that she would move on, find a human boy to be with, were suddenly wasted.

I had once told her that she could have no comprehension of how much I loved her – that she was comparing one tree to an entire forest. I had been confident in the knowledge that there was nothing I wouldn't do for her benefit, no matter the cost to me. After all, her delicate human heart couldn't understand "forever" the same way I could, having lived over a century. A sieve – that was what I had compared her mind to, and reassured her that her memories of me would slip through it. She had been so eager to be turned, to give up her soul and her family for me, and I had scoffed at it, thinking that she couldn't know or understand what she offered.

And now she had found a way to give me what I had been so unwilling to take. Because no matter how I looked at it, Isabella Swan had finally given her life to me in the only way I'd allowed her.

I closed my eyes and stopped my breathing, forcing my body to submit to my will again. In all the time I had been with her, I'd never considered _this _situation. I had assumed that some day she would die, but in my mind it was always of age, or disease, and with a peaceful smile on her lips. It had always been my assumption that, at that point, my existence would be over.

_"Well, I wasn't going to live without you… but I wasn't sure how to do it… so I was thinking maybe I would go to –"_

Italy.

I clung to the idea like a drowning man to a life vest. The idea of spending another hour, let alone eternity, with the knowledge of Bella's death was unthinkable – laughable even. Although I was sure I deserved the pain and anguish, there was no possible way I could continue like this.

With a logical plan running through my head, my thoughts cleared instantly, and I began to plan. I could be at the nearest airport in 15 minutes – it would be easy enough to get the next flight that left. I could be in Italy by tomorrow evening, with luck.

A quick jump out the window, and I was on my way. Running through the streets, the forests, not caring if I was seen by any humans, until I saw the signs indicating the airport's location. Perhaps when –

My thoughts were interrupted quite suddenly as my cell phone rang. I froze, having forgotten that I had even picked it up before leaving, and glanced at it. Alice. Of course – she would have seen the minute I made a solid decision to appeal to the Volturi. Less than a second to decide – and I threw the phone into the nearest trash can.

I knew I was getting strange looks from other passengers on the plane; I travelled with no luggage, and while my face was impassive, I knew my eyes would burn with the agony I felt inside. What should have been hours felt more like minutes – I spoke to no one, and stared impassively out the window, making certain to be the first passenger off the plane.

My walk was probably faster than acceptable – if my family had been here, I would have been chastised. I felt a brief pang at the thought of my brothers, sisters, and parents who I had left behind without a glance back. But in the end, I knew I would choose Bella – _would_ have chosen Bella – every time. Companion, mate – both words were nauseatingly insufficient to describe what I felt for her.

And as I looked up at the façade of the grand building that housed the entrance to the domain of the Volturi, I allowed myself to imagine it. Just briefly; what it would have been like had I given in to Bella's demands, and turned her. Without a doubt, I knew we would have spent eternity together, living forever and yet cherishing each moment as if it was our last. She would have lost some things – her blush, her brown eyes – but I pictured her with the palest skin and topaz eyes, and realized that she would be beautiful. And most important, she would always be Bella.

I decided that I would hold on to that image for my last moments.

I never expected them to immediately grant my request; Aro had an eye for talent, and my ability to read minds was impressive to him. A waste, he had called it. And all over a human.

My first thought had been to go on a killing spree, but I immediately vetoed that. I did not want my last acts on this Earth to be murderous ones – I could give my family that comfort, at least. Then I considered lifting a car, displaying my inhuman strength. Inappropriate.

An image flashed through my head – a meadow. Circular, peaceful, and bathed in sunlight, with Bella at the center, smiling expectantly at me as I stood in the shadows.

I would stand in the sun, then. She had always loved how the light played on my skin when the sky was clear - it was fitting.

As the clock tower began to toll the hour, I wondered if it would hurt. Dismembered, was the word for it. And then incinerated. But however I thought of it, I didn't care. In fact, I hoped it hurt; perhaps it would be a small atonement for what I had done to an innocent soul.

There was that torture, too. An angel such as Bella would belong in Heaven, of course. And I had no soul. I was destined for nothingness. Or, if Carlisle was to be believed, and there did remain that last vestige of humanity inside of me, Hell.

And as hands locked around my arms and a frantic voice called out my name, I realized with surprise it was the latter. Her smell – that unearthly, mouthwatering smell that had once tempted me to harm her and had become yet another thing I loved about her – was still the same.

"Amazing," I said, with wonderment in my voice, "Carlisle was right." I felt an exquisite joy as I pressed my lips to the apparition's hair, knowing that she would probably soon be taken away. "_Death, that hath __sucked the honey out of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty._You smell exactly the same as always."

The angel's mouth opened to speak, and I silenced her, holding her against my chest with a rapturous smile upon my face. To hold her again, even for this minute, before she was taken away as I was sure she would be, was pure, unadulterated bliss. "So maybe this is hell," I said. "I don't care – I'll take it."

Her voice cut through my happiness like a knife – I assumed my punishment was about to be dolled, but I hadn't heard her through the surrounding noise. "What was that?"

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi –"

Comprehension hit.

Surrounding noise. Her same, exquisite smell. Panic in her features. A quick glance – I still stood in the alleyway where I had prepared to die.

And I was holding Bella in my arms.

Alive.

AN: So this just kind of wrote itself at 1 AM when I should have been studying for Latin… I always thought this was an incredible section of New Moon, and with Bella's section being so dramatic, Edward's was just dying to write itself. I mean, she was running to try to save him, but he'd just found out that his reason for existence had died… which kind of makes me think I probably didn't do him justice. Anyways… I thought it'd be interesting, especially since you all know what happens, so I could dwell on his thoughts and emotions rather than the actions. I love these characters! Thank you Stephenie Meyer!!

Note: this is a one shot thing! I'll add more stories as I write, but this was just an experiment with Edward's POV, so there won't be any more chapters. You all know what happens! But a hint: next up is a piece from several points of view, called "The Forum."


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